I didn't realize that as I take my daily morning poopster, I've been staring so blankly into nothingness with lips slightly open, like a door left ajar by someone who's just walked out right after getting what they needed from the room.
I let out a hopeless sigh, thinking about how I have to yet again drag myself throughout another lazy, bleak-looking, plain-sad day.
You know, most of the time...things will not really work out the way we planned it to.
And I say that because it's just true on all kinds of levels. As Kurt Angle would exclaim, oh it's true...it's damn true.
I rake my fingers through my hair, once again contemplating on the day that so eagerly awaits my presence. In no way, shape or form, am I ready for another day. Each morning when my eyes would flutter open against the steams of sunlight seeping into my blinds, my brain just automatically sets a tirade of hateful expressions at liberty - a reaction which I've lately concluded as something that has become a natural bodily function of mine.
It's okay if you think that it doesn't look good. It doesn't, at all. Right now, nothing in my life is meant to look good.
At least I don't lie about it.
So. What in the world have you been up to lately? What screwed up decision have you made recently?
Did you just fly to another country with a firm decision to be there 'for good' and realized after a few weeks that maybe you've made the wrong choice? Think again. You didn't just save up all that money for a big decision like that only to have your mental or emotional issues order your physical self to fall back.
Or maybe you stupidly intruded into someone else's happiness? Think again. Do you really think that that person deserves to have their happiness dissolve before their eyes, all because of an intruder? Who even gave you the power to crush someone's heart in your very own hands? No one did, but you took it anyway when it wasn't meant to be taken in the first place.
Taking that bestfriend for granted? Think again. When was the last time you actually spent quality time with them, one that's so well-deserved? You haven't seen them in a long time, go get off work early and spend a nice dinner out with them to catch up. Make them feel special. Bring them good breakfast if you guys are always with each other at school or work. Show them you want them in your life forever, because you do. And they can never be replaced. Ever. Especially not by some newbies who pretend they like you and will only swindle you into trusting them.
Changed your mind again about sending that resignation letter? Think again. Is this like the 9th time you composed that letter, printed it out, only to tear it in pieces because you changed your mind again? Haven't you been wanting to do this for a long time? Sure, you'd tell me, "There's a lot to consider." We all know that. Just also consider how so consumed you already are with that bullcrap routine, and how toxic this environment you call 'work place' has become for you.
Holding back on that audition? Think again. What, is it because someone intimidated you? Insecurities eating you? Someone told you you ain't good enough? Screw what they think. This is your battle, not theirs. Push through that opportunity and find out the results yourself. Don't give anyone the right to tell you that you don't deserve a chance. Because we all do, and it is not their choice.
Dumping your partner for real? Think again. Haven't you been searching this human race for that one person who isn't ever going to let go of your hand while running over every barrier getting in your way? Someone who'll break the rules for you if they have to. Who'll have unlimited patience for all your shortcomings, massive appreciation for all your efforts, sharing with you all that lavish romantic, magical moments...showering you with all that pure love solely because they think it's what you deserve. Haven't you just found someone who's passionately committed to sticking with you through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows? Maybe you should not trade their heart for something shallow and short-lived.
Cursing yourself at the moment for missing that morning workout? Think again. Okay, you can blame yourself if you slept in. Who knows, this could be the nth time that you slept through that morning jog. I believe that if you fail to do something once, it is considerably a mistake, and I'd surely place that as subject to excuse and forgiveness. But to fail to do the same thing the second time, it's already your choice.
Giving up on something? Think again. No extensively cryptic explanations needed.
My still-sleepy eyes shut for a moment. Guess I'm waiting for a miraculous energizer of some sort to magically course its way through my veins to get me going for the day ahead. Or some kind of divine intervention to occur.
I open them back up, and I see nothing but the depressed wall tiles of our bathroom, and the lonely space that has encircled my inconsolable soul.
I laid my life down for something I so deeply cared about and held onto, and now I'm silently twirling split ends around my finger, my mind racing for anxious thoughts...as I listen to the broken beats of my heart.
For the second time, I release a heavy sigh. Choices. Here and there.
I slowly get up on spaghetti legs, against my will, just so I can frickin' get this day over with. I grab the bidet with one hand, lather some soap on my other hand, and proceed to wash my poop-splattered butt to get on with another unfussy day.
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