Bumps and Sexy Buttercup

I was trying so hard to hold it. I forced my mouth, stretching it into a tight-lipped smile. 

I was tired and happy and overwhelmed all at once. Thank you, Philippine Wrestling Revolution.

I just got through the PWR mentors/veterans' chest-chop initiation - which hurt like Glenn Rhee dying in The Walking Dead. It'd been an exhausting yet fulfilling training (comeback?) day in the ring. 

The bumps hurt. The rolls did make me feel dizzy. But my heart hoped that these strains did help big time to shake off the ring rust that'd been wrapped around my body for some time.

Nicole spread out her slim arms eaten by her long black sleeves, inviting me into a genuine and warm hug, despite the gross sweat-human I'd been.

“I’m so proud of you,” she said through my sweaty hair and into my ear. “You’ve said countless times that it’s never gonna happen and today you’ve taken the first step towards that dream. You’re my inspiration.” 

And that was it.

That triggered that one well-needed snap to let the tears flow. She just released a stream of all these heartfelt words and it caused me to be vulnerable to shedding tears.

I hugged back, tight, feeling the corners of my mouth tremble and the tears stream. My shoulders shaking from the ugly crying, she subsequently started rubbing my back, not doing anything to help my now-sentimental self.

Nicole Le Saux made me cry, and it was ugly. I felt ugly crying like that. At least she was holding me. 

I couldn’t believe I was ugly crying that day. I didn’t expect it to be that way.

It was true, I'd taken that first crucial, most-needed step that day. After three years of being restricted from that dream. Three years of going through frustration and pain from not being able to get a hold of that dream. Three years of being held back. Three years of painful, uncertain waiting.

Somehow, that day, it just wasn't impossible like how it'd been for three years. 

Somehow, that day, I was once again able to take a bump in that very ring...and take another chance to start working towards that wrestling dream.

How? 

It could be the never-ending wishful thinking. The constant frustration that had pinched my heart for three years when I was watching my talented friends in wrestling succeed little by little, and knowing and thinking I should be there with them, but I wasn't - hadn't been with them as they became successful. It could be the support that my brothers from another mother gave me at a time when I wasn't really sure anymore about getting back at it. Or it could be Nicole and Kuya Ouel's endless encouragement and insisting that I should come back, despite having only my solid, sorriest I can't anymore's as a response.

It could be just the power of some intergalactic shiznatch that might have been watching over my existence all these years!

Or really, it could just be God doing some mind-blowing magic again.

Life is full of twists.

Not to get ahead of myself, but this could be one of them.

And here I am, praying that I am able to fulfill it completely this time. Surpass whatever hindrance it might generate. 

Hoping this time, it's going to be for real.

I never wanted to make a scene at training, and I tried so hard to muster up all my internal strength to get myself together and shush my ugly-crying. Especially now that people seemed to be already surrounding the space occupied by my and Nicole's intertwined bodies.

"Oh ano 'yan?" Kuya Ouel walked up to us, eventually running a hand to join the back-rubbing that Nicole had been doing (which was zero help in stopping the tears). "Walang iyakan!" He playfully said.

"Hala bakit umiiyak?" K.T. was next to be inquisitive. 

I slowly pulled away from Nicole's embrace, rubbed my eyes as much as I needed in order to wipe all the tears mixed with sweat off of my face. I looked at K.T. "Sakit kasi nung chops eh!" I quipped, generating a sweet-sounding laugh from Nikki.

Later that evening I joined some of the guys at Chick n' Chops for dinner (which I learned was the guys' go-to-meal-place). After that, Nicole and I went home together.

“This is the longest we've been with each other!” Nicole exclaimed as we buckled up before leaving the parking lot. It was true. It's damn true. I was grateful for it.


We spent a chill night driving onto West Service Road, getting sorta lost in a little world of our own as we jammed to Paramore and My Chemical Romance like only krazie flawsome geeks would on a Friday night (even though it was a Sunday). 

Everytime I looked to the passenger seat by my right side, she was either giggling or banging her head to the beat of our cool playlist, enjoying her newly cut hair that made her look like a sexy Buttercup from the Powerpuff Girls, giving her entire aura such a renewed vitality.

And I couldn't help but think of

1) How even prettier she looked in her new hair

2) And how this little sunshine of a Frenchie had such power to make me ugly-cry. 

Shorties Rak West Service Road 

Tekken 7 Story Special Chapter: The Agony of Battling the Messatsu

June 2, 2017 was the day I excitedly welcomed the return of the best selling fighting game franchise ever. The night had deepened as darkness draped (credit to Sudam Panigrahi's beautiful poem lol), straight from work's exhibit activity I rushed to the nearest DataBlitz store (which happened to be at Mall of Asia at the time, meaning I had to walk long like a true warrior), not really caring how late it was and really caring more about the fact that they were soon gonna close. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead as I ran my way through the crowded mall, finally staggering into the store, my heart pounding hard in my chest as I was just seconds away from getting the gold in my tiny hands.

About five people were already in line. And they all came here for the same pot of gold I aimed for. The game that's reeking of treasure and sheer fighting excellence... Tekken 7.  

Joy was incomparable the moment I finally got to the counter for my turn to order the golden game."Tekken 7 po," I immediately told the lady cashier, my voice still sounding scratchy as I was still catching my breath.

"Everybody's buying Tekken 7!" The girl I followed in line, who was still waiting on the side for their own Tekken 7 game to be examined and bagged, exclaimed. It caught my attention and looked to my left only to see that the skinny girl was talking to me, a wide smile on her face and her eyes sparkled with glee as she waited for me to say something.

I was still thinking of something to reply but someone was quick to butt in, "Who's your main?" The voice came from a dude standing next to Skinny Smiling Girl, who turned out to be skinny as well. And he was also talking to me. And I figured they were a couple.

A cute gamer couple. Wait, let me rephrase that. A cute, skinny gamer couple. 

Feeling awkward at how sweaty I was, I took about an uncomfortable fraction of a millisecond before finally replying. "Xiao Yu," I said in my low voice, smiling awkwardly.

"Oh!!! Little Chinese girl!!!" Skinny Smiling Girl shrieked with joy, genuine bubbliness bursting out from the spirit within her, melting my bruised heart and my tired soul. "So do you also ship her and Jin?" she followed up, the enthusiasm unfading in her tone.

The awkwardness on my face completely faded and I was all smiles at this point, replying, "TOTALLY." I was almost ready to blurt out that I spent my highschool and college days reading Jin x Xiao Yu fanfiction stories online and that I ran as a candidate for Jin x Xiao Yu Club president. Luckily, I was able to hold myself together.

"My main girl is Asuka," Skinny boyfriend said. 

"So you guys ain't gonna sleep tonight?" I looked at them knowingly, feeling that it was the same plan I had in mind for the night.

"Oh no," Skinny Smiling Girl responded. "Need to practice tonight!" She exclaimed, Skinny boyfriend only laughed. Moments later, they finally got their game and prepped to leave the store. 

Our little geek conversation was finally about to end. "You guys enjoy the game," I said as the couple walked towards the door. 

"You too! Hope to battle with you online!" S.S.Girl said with a smile, as she and Skinny BF waved me goodbye and left.

And since we never got to exchange PSN id's, I'm gonna take this opportunity to give them a shoutout. Cute skinny gamer couple, if you're reading this, my PSN tag is infraRAGE. Look me up. Add me. Let's battle it out and be happy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I put the disc in, and let the game take control of my soul... the opening flashed before my eyes, I surrendered myself to the power of the Iron Fist and let it absorb me little by little, reveling in sheer joy at the beautiful intro playing on the screen. A force that's more powerful than any intergalactic force there ever will be...

First few moments into the game, the ecstasy was just unstoppable. Arcade battle. Treasure battle. VS battle. Online mode. Story mode. Gallery selection of all Tekken games ever. New characters. My head had never hurt in a manner so pleasant from the confusion of which option to choose first. 

The first thing I decided on was trying out different characters. My mains, Xiao Yu, Lee Chaolan, and Hwoarang. And the new fancy ones. Including the arguably infamous Josie Rizal, first ever Pinoy fighter in Tekken history. 

Josie Rizal. And oh, each character has different costumes! <3 3="" i="">

Like any avid fan, I got observations. The very noticeable costume change for each character. Lee Chaolan doesn't have the vest as his default attire anymore. This game gave me questions.

Why does Hwoarang have black hair and only kept a streak of red in it? Why is he wearing an eye patch?

Has Nina Williams just gotten engaged or is just fighting in a wedding dress some sort of trend today?

Who are these new fighters and what colorful stories do they have?

Why put an Otaku in the tournament, Namco? (lol)

What or who is the inspiration behind the character of Shaheen? And is there a significance when his shemagh head gear falls off during a fight? (My friend is worried everytime he loses his shemagh when fighting -- shoutout to my bestfriend's baby boy, Marlon, who can't help worrying about it, and loves Claudio).

The never-ending puzzle of the bad blood in the Mishima family of course is one.

The mystery of this new character Kazumi...(and why does she have a frickin' tiger -- shoutout to my broski Motec, who digs girls with tiger lol), and what does she have to do with the Mishima history...

And I think the biggest question in this game... is what in the world is A K U M A doing here, Messatsu-ing his way from Street Fighter into the world of the Iron Fist???!!!!

 Akuma, who claims that his power is absolute.

Kazumi...

In order to get answers, I played the main story mode (15-chapters-long!!!). For the benefit of those who haven't played the game yet (or the story mode for that matter), I'll try not to spoil too much.

The main story is narrated by a mysterious journalist who has engaged his life into covering the story of the Mishima family. Other than the fact that this reporter tells the tale in a somber voice all throughout, and that he is urged by his grudge to get to the roots of the conflict and the Mishima's puzzling history, little is known about him. Clear explanations about his identity aren't revealed even when you finish the story. 

When you start playing the story, you get to play as Kid Kazuya, battling Papa Heihachi. My fists are clenching in cuteness overload as I perfectly picture how Kid Kazuya looks like (it's a plus that Tekken always has the best quality for its cut scenes). WHAT A PRECIOUS LITTLE BOY.

A precious little boy, who apparently carries the devil's blood in him.

Kid Kazuya vs. Papa Heihachi

(I have a new life goal now: Adopt Kid Kazuya one day, take him under my wing

to nurture, to love, and to grow. Oh, my heart.)

It's no secret that Kazuya has carried an undying hatred towards his father. But in this game, we later learn that Kazuya is showing this anger because of the death of his mother.

Kazumi. 

The cause of her death? 

Papa Heihachi killed her. And it's natural to hate someone who killed your mother. But Heihachi did what he had to, because Kazumi had the devil's blood in her. Papa Heihachi, in his mind, was doing what was best for everybody. And it's the reason he threw his little boy off the cliff.

But as expected, since Kazuya carried the devil's blood in him, the fall didn't kill him. He survived. He lived. And grew with a hatred in his heart, building a desire to "tear his father to pieces" one day. 

The power of this picture will never die

And as every Tekken fan knows, the saga has been about hatred between Heihachi, Kazuya, and Jin, a constant battle for the leadership of the Zaibatsu corporation.

As you go over the main story's chapters, it goes to cover the other side-angles involving some of the characters (including Nina, Lee, Lars, and Jin). 

Reaching chapter 8, the story of Akuma is revealed, along with his involvement in this whole, beautifully painful mess called The Mishima Saga. It turns out... Akuma, is an associate of Kazumi, and was tasked by her to kill Heihachi...and made an additional request with tears and perhaps an aching heart, to destroy her son Kazuya as well, in order to stop him from growing the vengefully evil power within, and keep him from becoming a hostile threat. 

Father and son finally faced off against each other by chapter 14, where I played as Heihachi and finished the match only to be defeated by Kazuya in the cut scene.

Yes, Kazuya prevailed over his father.

The chapter ends with Kazuya carrying the unconscious Papa Heihachi in his hands, standing on a cliff, and tossing his father into the lava.

Sigh.

I finished the 14 chapters with a heart so hooked and a mind so absorbed. And realized... I just unlocked a special chapter, and I had to play it to unveil more of this saga.

Just when I thought I had reached the end to this battle... I was startled by the story's special chapter as a hungry Akuma appeared behind Kazuya on the same stage he defeated his father. And he looked hungry for some instant carnage, vowing to Kazuya that "he will not rest until his demise."

"You are the one who will die," Kazuya retorted to the challenger before transforming into his true devil form.

And it was just the start of the vicious, difficult battle against the Messatsu. 

This special chapter match is the true definition of I M P O S S I B L E. Seriously. Quite the hardest boss battle ever. It's just. Really. Difficult. On all levels. I may have cried into my pillow all night just contemplating long and hard of a strategy to defeat frickin' Akuma. 

In just one night, I believe I'd developed a severe level of frustration over the fatal thought that I couldn't beat frickin' Akuma, whose fists "know no equal." Even with the game's new Story Assist button system (to rescue players in beating the bosses), it's extremely hard. Inflicting damage on Akuma just always seemed a long, hard road to go! Not only does he continuously shoot fireballs, but he also has teleportation powers with his Ashura Senku and instantly refills his super meter with one move.

ARE YOU SERIOUS BRO WHAT???

And the worst part, the highly frustrating aspect of the whole thing is his rage art. That moment when he warns you to "prepare to die a thousand deaths"? IT'S THE WORST!!! It's unblockable, you can't dodge it, and you're instantly killed once it hits you...even when you have less than half of a damage on your health gauge. You're over. The Messatsu has prevailed. The best joke in Tekken history... I'm laughing right now as I'm reading a review from a random player saying "Akuma's rage art can go straight to hell." That's how frustrating it is, you'd wish for its soul to burn in the depths of hell. I can't recall how many times I had to start over and had to hear Akuma say "My power is absolute" again and again.

I spent the entire night strategizing, practicing, starting the match over and over and over again... my fingers had been almost injured from the constant button-hitting-sessions, my eyes sore from the image of dying over and over and the damage had stepped its way into my brain and my head hurt and my heart was tortured by the mere truth that I simply couldn't beat this guy! What in the world! 

What sorcery is this???

It was literally impossible. I had about four or five times where I almost...almost...! Beat the darn monster. A L M O S T. All those times, I failed to hit my own rage attack! FACEPALM! DANG IT DANG IT DANG IT. I poured my entire heart into the fight and I still couldn't get the job done...

And I was left with no other choice. But to do what was needed...in order to finish this, and know what was really next in the Mishima saga.

Swallowing my pride, I went to change the story difficulty, and leveled it down to easy mode. That meant switching from 3 stars difficulty...down to 1 star difficulty. (sobs)

I started the match over, more confident. I didn't have to try as hard as I'd just had in the last few minutes. Soon enough, I hit my rage attack at the most perfect time...

...and watched as Kazuya so devilishly warned to make the stage Akuma's burial ground, his true devil form glowing and beaming all kinds of devious energies (best devil form of Kazuya I've seen so far), as he charged, and a forceful, demonic power blasted straight out of his devil heart and devil wings, shooting towards Akuma.

But then Akuma said, "I only seek the blood of battle." 

The moment Kazuya realized the battle wasn't over yet, he charged from the devil eye on his forehead.

"Come at me like your life depends on it," Akuma challenged, and charged his Messatsu, a ball of blue and violet thunders coalescing within his mighty hands...

"I'll send you straight to hell!" Kazuya evilly retorted.

Both all-powerful creatures shot their powerful blasts against each other, the entire stage ending in an abstract of explosions.

And it ended just like that. Frickin' cliffhanger.

Perhaps Akuma's going to be in Tekken 8? 

Finally, it was over. I may have had to change the difficulty of the match, but yeah. Certain times will require you to resort to desperate measures. 

I could finally sleep well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Now I'm just spending my time on treasure battle, focusing on ranking up fast to be a Tekken God Prime with my mains Xiao Yu, Lee, and Hwoarang. And oh, obtaining more and more fight money to customize extravagantly and purchase all the nostalgic videos on the gallery section.

Whether or not you play Tekken, I wholeheartedly thank you for taking the time to read this and join my weird crazy journey in battling the Messatsu for a moment. 

Add me on PSN: infraRAGE

I'll just leave this here.

Twirling Split Ends

A minuscule blob of saliva escapes from my chapped, morning lips as my head is bowed down. I watch it sadly splatter on the edge of the toilet bowl I'm sitting on and trickle its way down the ceramic surface.

I didn't realize that as I take my daily morning poopster, I've been staring so blankly into nothingness with lips slightly open, like a door left ajar by someone who's just walked out right after getting what they needed from the room.

I let out a hopeless sigh, thinking about how I have to yet again drag myself throughout another lazy, bleak-looking, plain-sad day.

You know, most of the time...things will not really work out the way we planned it to.

And I say that because it's just true on all kinds of levels. As Kurt Angle would exclaim, oh it's true...it's damn true.

I rake my fingers through my hair, once again contemplating on the day that so eagerly awaits my presence. In no way, shape or form, am I ready for another day. Each morning when my eyes would flutter open against the steams of sunlight seeping into my blinds, my brain just automatically sets a tirade of hateful expressions at liberty - a reaction which I've lately concluded as something that has become a natural bodily function of mine.

It's okay if you think that it doesn't look good. It doesn't, at all. Right now, nothing in my life is meant to look good. 

At least I don't lie about it.

So. What in the world have you been up to lately? What screwed up decision have you made recently? 



Did you just fly to another country with a firm decision to be there 'for good' and realized after a few weeks that maybe you've made the wrong choice? Think again. You didn't just save up all that money for a big decision like that only to have your mental or emotional issues order your physical self to fall back. 

Or maybe you stupidly intruded into someone else's happiness? Think again. Do you really think that that person deserves to have their happiness dissolve before their eyes, all because of an intruder? Who even gave you the power to crush someone's heart in your very own hands? No one did, but you took it anyway when it wasn't meant to be taken in the first place. 

Taking that bestfriend for granted? Think again. When was the last time you actually spent quality time with them, one that's so well-deserved? You haven't seen them in a long time, go get off work early and spend a nice dinner out with them to catch up. Make them feel special. Bring them good breakfast if you guys are always with each other at school or work. Show them you want them in your life forever, because you do. And they can never be replaced. Ever. Especially not by some newbies who pretend they like you and will only swindle you into trusting them.

Changed your mind again about sending that resignation letter? Think again. Is this like the 9th time you composed that letter, printed it out, only to tear it in pieces because you changed your mind again? Haven't you been wanting to do this for a long time? Sure, you'd tell me, "There's a lot to consider." We all know that. Just also consider how so consumed you already are with that bullcrap routine, and how toxic this environment you call 'work place' has become for you.

Holding back on that audition? Think again. What, is it because someone intimidated you? Insecurities eating you? Someone told you you ain't good enough? Screw what they think. This is your battle, not theirs. Push through that opportunity and find out the results yourself. Don't give anyone the right to tell you that you don't deserve a chance. Because we all do, and it is not their choice. 

Dumping your partner for real? Think again. Haven't you been searching this human race for that one person who isn't ever going to let go of your hand while running over every barrier getting in your way? Someone who'll break the rules for you if they have to. Who'll have unlimited patience for all your shortcomings, massive appreciation for all your efforts, sharing with you all that lavish romantic, magical moments...showering you with all that pure love solely because they think it's what you deserve. Haven't you just found someone who's passionately committed to sticking with you through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows? Maybe you should not trade their heart for something shallow and short-lived.

Cursing yourself at the moment for missing that morning workout? Think again. Okay, you can blame yourself if you slept in. Who knows, this could be the nth time that you slept through that morning jog. I believe that if you fail to do something once, it is considerably a mistake, and I'd surely place that as subject to excuse and forgiveness. But to fail to do the same thing the second time, it's already your choice. 

Giving up on something? Think again. No extensively cryptic explanations needed.



My still-sleepy eyes shut for a moment. Guess I'm waiting for a miraculous energizer of some sort to magically course its way through my veins to get me going for the day ahead. Or some kind of divine intervention to occur.

I open them back up, and I see nothing but the depressed wall tiles of our bathroom, and the lonely space that has encircled my inconsolable soul.

I laid my life down for something I so deeply cared about and held onto, and now I'm silently twirling split ends around my finger, my mind racing for anxious thoughts...as I listen to the broken beats of my heart.

For the second time, I release a heavy sigh. Choices. Here and there. 

I slowly get up on spaghetti legs, against my will, just so I can frickin' get this day over with. I grab the bidet with one hand, lather some soap on my other hand, and proceed to wash my poop-splattered butt to get on with another unfussy day.

Freedom and Distance

Some kind of distance is threatening to come in between, and I'm not quite sure if I'm ready for it.

The zest of a long weekend is such a hyped, crazy vibe coursing through my veins and it does send all kinds of delight straight to my heart. 

There isn't quite a better sense of contentment right now than to feel that for a fraction of this period stretch, there's a bit more time to dissociate myself from work. For a fraction of lastingness, I get to shield myself from the office responsibilities of attending meetings, responding to emails, and all the calls there are to make. 

I am free, for this atomic, chunky-slice of time. 

For four days, I am free. Thank you, special holidays!

Everything was perfect starting from yesterday, a no-work Friday which allowed me to be with my family for a whole day and be hands-on with my big-sister-slash-daughter-duties. A bit of a new drive to a bit of an unfamiliar road trip, some good music...there was the hot, humid weather to despise, but nevertheless, there still was plenty of free time and it all solved the problem.

And this morning, it still was great. I slept in. Definitely making up a lot of time for my bed and all that sleep I've been deprived of lately. No alarm tones to snooze. One of the best...

However, something still, was amiss. Despite the nice vibe provided by the long weekend, there was just something that sent some pessimism. Something just didn't set right.

And it wasn't any longer that I realized what was wrong. With a flashy speed, the thought broke into my blank bubble without warning and I immediately figured that today, someone was leaving.

Almost a week ago, I spent an ample amount of time with my solid circle at my bestfriend's crib. It was the day for my bestfriend to gather as many loved ones as he could, in order to have that one final cherishing moment before he left... so that day, all the special people were there. His solid circle, the special someone, the whole family. 

My heart suddenly, like magically just magnetically absorbed all kinds of invisible pangs and I felt quite a heavy amount of sadness wash over me.

My bestfriend, Jeorge...my Tsebb. Is leaving today. 

Leave, as in, fly to another country, and start a brand new chapter of his life there. 

Everybody told me that I was being extra melodramatic because they kept yelling to my face, including krazie Tsebb himself, that Singapore is really not far from PH. They kept busting on me for that and insisted that we could easily go there if we wanted.

Whatever these facts may state, nothing can ever put me at ease with that one single truth that my bestfriend and I are going to be countries apart. The Philippines and Singapore may both be comprising the maritime part of the Southeast subregion of the world's largest and most populous continent called Asia, but that doesn't change the fact that Tsebb is really going to be away from us!

I can't help but be forward-thinking already of all the possibilities that I have been dreading ever since the moment I discovered last year that he had plans of leaving. 

Jeorge and I have been bestfriends for almost 15 years now. I've known him since I was 7 when I went to the same school as his, and started an incomparable friendship with him when I was 8. Our gradeschool and highschool environment was undeniably our one true home that birthed to the solid brotherhood which we have until now, with ate Debby, Joyce Anne, and Michelle.

Jeorge and I grew up in the same neighborhood. It was easy to see him whenever I wanted to. Together, we opened new experience after new experience as young kids, to teenagers. We would relish in the joy of having landline phones and would talk over them for hours on late nights. It was either the landline or Yahoo Messenger back then that we were murdering for our late-night-senseless-fun-conversations. We saw each other everyday, talked to each other everyday for all the rest of our gradeschool and highschool days. 

Highschool graduation came, and everybody was travelling their own paths to the college world. New environments for each and everyone of us. It was different without the solid circle. Different without that familiar companion you used to start your day with. Even so, we still made sure that we had special days where we'd all meet up and do fun things just like the old times. 

Amidst my college days, we moved to a new place and left my childhood neighborhood. It was still in the same province where all my friends lived, just a different town and a bit farther from them. I remember him telling me how sad it made him to know that I was leaving our old place, saying that I was now going to be "far" from him. And I do remember retorting to him with an answer along the lines of, "It's not gonna be that far you idiot!"

Now I understood the feeling. 

But really, this is the realest one, ever. 'Cause we're talking countries here! Before, when we wanted to hang out, he'd just invite me over to their place and it was always the most enjoyable walk I had going to that crib. When we were college students, I moved to a new place, but it wasn't any longer that their family got a new house which happened to be around the same vicinity as ours. And just like that, it felt like the universe was really making a way for us to stay close to each other. Up to the time that work life started for me, going to their crib meant either taking public vehicles, or driving...a little different from the walk trips when we were much younger.

Nonetheless, it really wasn't a "distance" you could consider.

But now?

Now, if I want to see my bestfriend, I'd have to consider the following:

1. Plane tickets
2. Schedule
3. Vacation leaves which have high possibilities of not getting approved by the bosses
4. Budget to fly

I want to scream. 

It's not gonna be like, "Oh I'm feeling so bored I should see the idiot and catch up over coffee or discuss some really major problems okay where's my keys I should peaz awt of this house asap"

Now it's gonna be like, "Oh dang I miss Tsebb so much I really should have a well-needed-bestfriend-conversation with him asap okay what's the best schedule to fly okay what's the budget for this okay when do I fly ok wait I have to file a leave dang this better be approved"

I want to scream.

TSEBB! 

*sigh*

To have you go like this, literally means letting go of a big brother that used to be my guardian my whole life. Granted, I have 2 other  guardians left here (cause the other one's also living abroad), and your real-life big brothers can be my big bros too, but it's just simply going to be a lot different without you. 

You are that solid big brother who's always looked out for me. You know me like no one else does. You know what makes me happy. Only you can tell. You know who makes me happy and what to do to keep me happy. Only you do. You threw out a nice, surprise 18th birthday party for me and left me speechless with sheer joy bursting from inside my heart because I was so amazed by all the effort and love you had for me to organize and prepare such a big birthday surprise for me.

I may be shedding tears at the moment...

I just want to say, from the deepest backbone of my heart... THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING. 

You're the best one, totes. No one's ever better. Nobody does it better. You've done everything to protect me, you've taken me under your wing, to love and to grow. You've cherished me and nurtured me, guided me every step of the way and gave me some of the best laughs of my life.

You're the strongest, most positive person I know. And I know you won't stop making goals for your life, and that nothing is ever going to stop you from creating steps, big and small, in order to achieve them. 

Galingan mo diyan, Tsebb. Wala kang ibang makukuha sa aming lahat dito ng tropa at pamilya mo kundi suporta. 

I love you so much, brother. See you soon.

Love is

It's been a little over a year since I've known Love, and Love has shown me a pretty intoxicating brew of all things beautiful, unafraid, and exciting.

It's always such a challenge to start describing Love. There's always that hesitation for fear of not being able to give its description justice. Because it's unbelievably amazing. There's always never a way that's good enough to pick appropriate words and line them up for a perfect sentence to illustrate what Love is, let alone the amazing things it does...

But Love is a true water fountain that jets wonderful splashes of inspiration into the air.

Inspiration that keeps moving me. That keeps pushing me. Pushing me to love the life we live.

Love is so amazing. 

Love always excites me. I'd open my eyes against the sun rays quietly seeping through my blinds, and Love would completely awaken my soul first thing in the morning. I'd even choose to see, hear, and feel Love before I close my eyes at night.

Love is a lot of fun. Going out in ragged shorts and plain T's don't matter, nor do the fancy restaurants. Love always has a standard goal of a happy tummy, and so long as it is achieved, through street foods or fine cuisine, everything's good. Movies are enjoyable, regardless of the genre. Love usually criticizes romantic movies as corny and boring, while always getting a good natural high when Logan's in action. Nevertheless, they're all great. 

Moments are priceless when Love caresses my hand in sheer tenderness.

Love is artistic. Its expressions in music are the most magical pieces of art I have ever experienced. And Love naturally has an unyielding passion to learn more about the craft. 

I'm so in love.

Love is so genuine in everything it says - whether it's the truest of its heart's desires, or the daily forms of life stress that it faces - it never feels tiring to hear that little shriek to Love's voice when it's enjoying, or even that somber tone in times of difficulty. 

Love could be so loud at the randomest of jokes we could possibly share. Hearing the most heavenly-sounding laughter soothes my soul like no other. Love has a way of making a senseless joke, yet still always finding an opportunity to make it look like my jokes are lamer and even more senseless. 

Love is so good at making fun of me and saying I'm a loser who spits out the most illogical humor, and it doesn't offend me. As a matter of fact, I could only fall more deeply in love with the distinct gleam in Love's eyes when it's so full of laughter.

Love could be so silent, and sometimes it's the kind that kills. Love could crush my feelings and send a pang across my chest. When something inside Love stings, it sometimes triggers all kinds of outrageous urges in words and actions. Love could be a monster at times.

But at the end of the day, it's always a beautiful monster that can be tamed.

Love softens at the touch of my hand. Love knows how to fight all the hard feelings inside, and chooses to understand where I'm coming from. After all unkind words have been released, sent floating into the surface of the air we breathe...Love would always know how to listen.

Love gains back composure, and knows how to set the tone back into the peace and calm. 

Love is sorry, and is gonna make sure that I know so. Love would apologize and admit where it's wrong, reach out to interlace our fingers and send warmth into my heart.

It's so beautiful, how Love always tries to fight the monster it could become inside, always trying to seek peace where both our big hearts can rest.

Love is imperfect. And it's so darn lovable that way.

Love is what I look for when I'm feeling lonely, but also wishing for its presence even at my normal happy mood. It keeps me happier, and only Love knows how to do that.

Love is what sends me jumping when I see my phone light up and read its name. And Love has made me feel the exact same way even after several long months, even stronger now.

Love doesn't like me in tears, and is quick to wipe my face clean whenever I weep.

Love often thinks I'm the weirdest creature in the world, but sends me the warmest of hugs anyway. 

Love has also taught me that a bit of change doesn't hurt. Love is the reason that I now care a bit less about spicy food touching my tongue and spending a bit more money on some good stuff.

Love keeps inspiring me. I create up more and more dreams in my head because of Love. Love showers all kinds of delight into my being with every touch, every hug, and every kiss, shaking me to the very foundation of my soul.

Love completes me. 

_________________________________________________


One ordinary night, as we drove back home from a stressful workday, I watched Love fall asleep. Our hands interlocked, a throw-pillow against my arm where Love's head rested. Before completely drifting off to sleep, Love effortlessly pierced my gaze with its gently warm, dreamy eyes...glinting against the street lamps that lit up our road back home.

Love will never know, how my heart stops every time it casts me a gaze so compelling like that.

Love finally dozed off, all tired and resting against my arm.

I savored every second of our silent drive, carefully steering the wheel with my left hand, and gently holding Love with my right as it slept...

...wondering if Love knows...

...that she's holding my heart in her weirdly-shaped-fingers...

While You're Away

While you're away

time very slowly slips away

as though committed to torture my heart

seemingly set adrift on a sad work of art

Days are incomplete

no hand to hold on the passenger's seat

forcing me to drive in solitary

on these cold nights of January

Missing the feeling

of sheer excitement deep within

towards the habit of fetching you,

always eager to see your hairdo

How very strange

it is to acknowledge the change

so used to your touch,

this loneliness is a bit too much

Such tiring space

time seems to drag itself at a snail's pace

a lowkey happy memory, my heart remembers

when we walked nonstop, looking for your suspenders

How I hate

this emptiness, and I can't wait

to once again look into your dreamy eyes

my joy upon your presence, you'll realize

To be honest

I always yearn for your caress

for you to come home fast, is what I pray

all day, while you're away.