WWE TLC just rocked the UNIVERSE

http://www.wwe.com/shows/wwetlc

WWE TLC Highlights: Our Broski Zack Ryder is US Champ, Lilian Garcia's voice on a PPV since her comeback, Big Show stealing RVD's in-ring attire (lol) and his short title reign, Bryan cashing in his MITB (are you serious bro?) and becoming the new WH-Champ(really?), Kevin Nash doing the vintage 'Kliq' handsign, Ricardo Rodriguez crashin' through a table, and Punk retaining the WWE title (Miz you're still awesome). AMAZING NIGHT FOR THE WWE UNIVERSE.

I AM JUST THE HAPPIEST KID ALIVE

A tweet from Shawn Michaels! The Heartbreak Kid replied to me on Twitter, are you kiddin' me?! I AM THE HAPPIEST KID ALIVE! This is insanely surreal! He's got thousands of followers tweetin' him all the time askin' questions... I'm absolutely lucky enough to receive a reply! I don't care if y'all call that a short reply, others' opinions don't matter ARE YOU SERIOUS BRO?! MY ULTIMATE WRESTLING IDOL REPLIED TO ME ON TWITTER FOLKS! I CAN SERIOUSLY DIE NOW. Bury me now, bury me alive!

I was entirely out of my mind after that. And, it may sound overreacting but, my eyes were slightly in tears, I might add. But ya gotta understand, I AM AN AVID DEVOTED FAN OF THIS MAN. To be able to receive a 5-word-tweet-reply means a lot to me; to me, it's like winning a championship! I LOVE THIS DAY!

Loving Shawn Michaels All The Days of My Life

At the age of 8 I discovered wrestling and fell in love with it. My wrestling hero? Ain't no other than the Showstopper, the Headliner, the Main Event, the Icon... Mr. Wrestlemania, the Leader of New Generation.. The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels! ;") Indeed, he was the reason I watched wrestling. He had started in the business during the time that I wasn't even born yet. But I tried to live like I've surrounded his career from the very beginning, officially making myself addicted to Mr. HBK and knowing every detail about him. He's always been my ultimate wrestling idol..always. But from the moment he retired from the WWE and officially left the building, I was just shattered. I felt my heart drop when his career finally got ended during his last match with The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 26. Not only I, but there was a whole bunch of HBK fans that had to understand that he really needed and wanted to focus on his family now and pursue other interests. We support him, we're true fans...so we had to understand that and be happy for him.

It might sound like I was a bit over reacting but, to be honest I almost felt like I didn't know if I'd still watch WWE right after Shawn retired. But looking back on that moment, I see it now as a stupid thought and thankful that it wasn't what I decided to do. Sure, Shawn Michaels was the reason I watched WWE and his retirement devastated me. But another thing is that through HBK, I happened to love WWE and everyone and everything within it as well; so I knew exactly that there was no way in heck that I would depart from this whole WWE fever. It forever stays as a part of me. Shawn Michaels and everything about the WWE occupy an enormously special space in my heart. There are, and will be more times that I can't help but miss seeing him wrestle though. Getting used to it, but still..ya know what I mean?

Anyways, to conclude this blog post I'd just like to tell the world that I've never seen a sports-entertainer as innovative, as flamboyant, as charismatic, as athletic, as influencial, and as marvelous as Shawn Michaels! So you know what folks, I guess what I'm tryin' to say is.. The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels is the greatest wrestler of all time! And hey by the way, that's not even an opinion; it's entirely a fact. To those who will dare argue with what I just said, why don't you folks examine every memorable match he had and review the tremendous impact he made on the whole wrestling industry? Watch him in the ring, see how the crowd will react; how they yell the loudest for the longest when Mr. Wrestlemania is in action. I challenge you. Lol. I guarantee it, y'all are gonna witness some pure greatness. HBK is simply the best, and the folks just gotta handle the truth.

And when I talk of "handling the truth", I ain't talkin' bout R-Truth alright? :))


"DON'T WHAT ME!"

Just Some of the Latest News About Me

Okay. What's up folks?

My last post was discernibly about the resume of classes after my off-color sembreak.

I would say I am not too thrilled with the episodes of my life lately, extremely reluctant, actually. 2nd semester has just started, and the fact that I instantly hoped for a Christmas break right when I stepped foot back into that campus totally explains how much I dislike this episode of my life right now.

Well, it's one thing to be unable to spend your 3-week-long sembreak like you had planned to. But it's also another thing to experience this 2nd semester in college. Tell ya what folks, since the first day of the resume of classes I have already felt a bad type of vibe for this semester. I dunno, it's just that.. it feels like a heavy semester with a bunch of subjects that will sure make you bleed your way just to pass. And y'all gotta believe me when I say I ain't excited, I'm actually displeased with this period even. Oh boy. You've no idea how I dislike being in this moment. lol

There's one subject that acts like the "main difficulty" in our whole block. It's really a hard one. It doesn't require the students, but even against to our will, we still feel that we're required to buy the certain textbook needed for the subject. It's gonna be like the main reading material throughout the semester, and holy cow does it just have a whole bunch of memorization in it. @_@ Mom bought it from the bookstore and the day I got it I immediately studied and started memorizing things. But man; ya don't really feel like getting through when you know you're given like less than a day to memorize these long paragraphs and all those stuffs, right dude? I mean, okay maybe 2 or 3 long paragraphs are excusable. But 40+ pages of politically-associated topics to read and memorize? IN LESS THAN A DAY? Are you kiddin' me?! REALLY? Wow dawg. Wow!

So anyways. Not any longer the judgement day came. I was so nervous. The moment that I've dreaded the most came: The recitation day came and luckily, my name wasn't called. After the 'relief' I had that almost seemed to drug me and made me feel like I could forget everything, I kinda actually forgot everything after that and I just got home and chilled, watched WWE and just, well.. relaxed. lol

The next day, which was today when I was being a more rational and level-headed person, something happened. This was when I realized that I've actually misplaced my pol-gov textbook somewhere in the campus last night. I left it somewhere and forgot about it and just went home. I SEARCHED ALL DAY. Asked the students' council office, the guards, the janitors... MY BOOK WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. My heart dropped, my world was collapsing! I was thinking, How am I supposed to study over the weekend and prepare for next meeting's hellish recitation?! How would I tell my mom? I don't wanna break her heart 'cause her efforts were put to test in searching for that book... and now I'll tell her I just lost it after buying it like a day ago?! WOW. I'm doomed.

Things happen for a reason, and boy do I just believe in that. Like a good friend of mine used to tell me today, "TIWALA!" lol.

After being problematic the whole day, I still was problematic during our theater rehearsal in the late afternoon. This was when... MY HEROES, literally, rescued me.. UNEXPECTEDLY~

No more circuitous and rambling words for intro's or anything. Let's get straight to the point:

Two good guys, two cool pals of mine named Erwin and Kevin fudgin' bought me a new freakin' pol-gov textbook. I mean, seriously? Yo guys? You didn't have to!!! Wow thanks a bunch like honestly! But don'tcha folks realize you're just giving me another problem because I won't be able to sleep tonight thinking of how delightful and pleasant this thing you two did for me was?! THANK YOU BUT, HOW DO I REPAY YOU GUYS? LMAO I was so overwhelmed, thankful enough, but couldn't believe that I was saved.

Glad to have those boys, I love them forever.

Honestly

I've had a 3-week long sembreak yet I would say it didn't really become a "break" that was well-needed for me, as I wasn't given the chance to spend it the way I had planned to. I ain't satisfied with this mini-vacay that was given to me even though I believed I did my best to try to atleast appreciate that we were given a break. But darn. It just doesn't really feel like it. Now with that said, I'll be sincere with my last words in this post; so...

HONESTLY...

Screw the end of sembreak.

Screw the resume of classes.

Skwaters - Super Bass : Latest Music Video

What's up folks? Please check out Skwaters' latest music video. ;")

It's Never Too Late for Skwaters

Just like how a drowning man, finally gets the chance to rise above the huge body of water that keeps thrusting him deep down into it...

This is the best representation I could use to explain exactly how I feel about getting a darn break from all the stressful schoolworks at long last. The fudgin' semester just ended. And it's like sembreak's actually welcoming me with arms wide open. But sembreak alone, won't really satisfy this "break". It'll be pointless to have a 2-3-week-break when you don't even have a clue as to how you will spend the semi-long vacay you have, or where you will spend it at or what you will spend it with. Ofcourse, the point is.. part of having a semester break is actually meeting your good'old folks, seizing the day with all of 'em and just having a good time all together.

Skwaters, my troopy-troop.. we didn't really have the chance to celebrate Joyce's 18th (Sept. 29th) and Tsebb's 18th (Oct. 2nd) because of each of our fudgin' hectic schedule with college. For a moment there, some folks or maybe even the two birthday celebrators thought that long days would actually pass 'em by, not being able to have a nicely fine celebration of their birthdays at all. Like, no celebration at all, they thought. But Mimi, Debby, and I just don't think so. We just couldn't let that stupid thing happen, that's like the dumbest thing ever; lamer than lame. And who the heck said that belated birthday parties are actually that big of a deal? For Skwaters, a late celebration definitely DOESN'T matter at all. ;")

Mimi and I planned, well originally it was Mimi's idea and who else would help her work her plans out? Myself, and even in such a long distance Debby could actually give some help as well. So, Michelle had the idea of gathering all of us at her crib, which is like the principal and main 'retreat house' of the group. But our plan was to surprise the two birthday folks. We only had it stuck in their minds that it was just gonna be an ordinary bonding moment for us, but it was actually gonna be a birthday celebration for them. :)

Seemingly, our plans worked out just fine. When the two came at the crib, the soft glow of the 18 blue and pink candlelights flashed at their eyes we thought it nearly blinded them. Lol. The candles stood from a whole roll of Dulce de Leche cake, and the mouthwatering appearance of the doughnuts just added excitement to the scene. When they saw it, I honestly think that the whole world should've seen the crazy look on their faces. They had the unusual 'is-this-really-happening' type of look and you could tell they were just absolutely touched. They kept thanking us over and over, and up until now that I'm already home I still wonder and think of what could've possibly been the best solution to make them stop saying 'thank you'. Haha. It was such a happy moment.

We got to talk to Debby through Skype, we cooked our meal and we happily attacked the kitchen like a happy family does. Ofcourse, when it comes to the kitchen, all the instructions and procedures were given by the group's master chef, Jeorge my Tsebb. ;") We prepared Carbonara and fried potato slices. Yummmmmm. Then we had doughnuts for dessert. Stomachs were about to explode. HAHA

As usual, it was a happy and such a fulfilling day for everybody. Everyone else had their own worries and struggles that never leave them and keep bothering them; after all, all we needed was a break from all of it and make merry moments together for a while. We had shot for another music video, which y'all should watch out for by the way! ;")

For another yet wonderful day with Skwaters, I thank the Lord and to God be the glory.

Castles and Hellgates

Was walking down the long street at night. Didn't know where I was headed to.
Tripped over something, sprained my ankle. Left foot's injured. Couldn't walk too properly.
Came out of nowhere, a guy with the most dramatic eyes.
He helped me get my butt up. Speechless, I just followed.
His hand gripped around my left wrist, and guided my steps.
Continued walking the road of the unknown.
Not any longer after we started walking, his hand embraced mine and I found our fingers crisscrossed.

Like a castle in the air, it's all just a dream.

A dream where I didn't wish to wake up no more..

A dream I wished was reality.

Top-Secret

Hey buddy. I am that beautiful lie each time we meet by chance. Wanna know why I'm a beautiful lie? 'Cause I act differently in front of you.

Not like being plastic or a hypocrite; it's deeper than that.

I act so casually to you; I've been trying so hard to look and sound casual. Takes a lot of effort, trust me.

But God knows that's not how it should be like. And you don't know it. You can't know. You should not know anything about this no more, I don't see the need anyways.

It's a different type of feeling I have inside, and you don't know it.

You might not know it still, even if you look me in the eyes.

That's because I'm good at pretending. See? You didn't even notice this.

I started feigning. It's all a masquerade between us; 'cause feigning is where I'm pretty good at, I would say.

At times that I should wince, grimace, scowl, shudder, flinch, gasp, blench, ache, throb, sting, or hurt from your actions, I could always manage to hide these emotions and replace all of these hankering sensations with my fake smile.

And the other folks walking by don't have a clue.

There are some things in the world better off not knowing; I guess this is one of them.

Moments Before the Retreat

You know what folks, I really don't know why I'm forcing myself to join this retreat. I never wanna join this school activity no more, honestly. I mean..okay, I know this will be good in helping me stay closer to God and all that, but it's not that. And I mean I can handle my relationship with the Lord even without this. The feeling I have right now is like, another one of those days I've dreaded the most has come. I hate it that I've no other choice but to go attend the retreat today till tomorrow.

I sit alone at the gazebo, waiting for something out of the ordinary to take place. Like..something 'unconventional', if you will. From the corner of my eye, I can see someone walking towards me, seems like he's approaching me.

If there was one thing I was really grateful for today, it would be the presence of my good buddy, Percy. He greeted me and I greeted back. I'm like "thank You Lord" that Percy was the first person I saw during this much unexciting day. My mood for today is completely off, but with Percy's refreshing aura I am kinda elated. Atleast I know this day still has some thrill despite the reluctance I have because of the retreat.

More people are arriving. Little by little, fellow students fill up the waiting area. Another factor that lessened my reluctance are a few good laughs I'm currently sharing with some of my folks as I write this post. I guess this very unenthusiastic day for me is starting the right way. I hope it gets even better later on.

Skwaters' Own Mimi, NOW LEGAL

I have just been in another fulfilling time with my folks. What the heck, it's Mimi's 18th birthday and it's all like party in the house alrite!






One of her wishes for her debut was a smooth and casual photoshoot - and on her day, SHE HAD IT.

I'm actually too exhausted but satisfied to write about this another crazy yet fun carnage with Skwaters, so my words go a bit nuts as I create this blog.

All I know is, another day or two with Skwaters is always enough to energize me. They're like my little "weapons" in my battleground. Mimi is such a lady now. I love her to pieces, God bless her and her family and us, the whole troop.

This has been another memorable event. I couldn't be any happier. And I'm so drained, haha!

Silent But Intense

They were on lunchbreak. His friends were snickering and hooting like the usual, he just remained silent. His head was looking from left to right, nonstop. He was waiting for her; his crush. A group of girls finally entered the canteen. He immediately spotted her petite figure. It seemed like they fell into line according to height as they walked; from tallest to shortest. The girls walked past their table. He pretended that he wasn't keeping an eye on her. He faced his meal, but he feasted his eyes to his right on her as she passed by. She caught him. She smiled. He looked away, his heart skipped a beat. His friends howled at him, his cheeks were flushing red. He continued to chew his sandwich.


She was rehearsing a dance number with her friends at their school's gymnasium. He watched her from afar, sitting pretty on a bench under a tree with his friends as his eyes drifted to her graceful moves, her back was turned. But even her back was the most wonderful figure he had ever seen. Suddenly, she whirled around and was facing towards him. He got dazed, his eyes widened, not taking them off of her. She caught me again, he thought. He almost panicked, but he realized she was near-sighted and she wouldn't clearly see it that he was looking at her in such a long distance. He was sure of it 'cause he knew she wore glasses at times. He felt safe. She wouldn't really think I'm looking at her, he thought.

Was it me or, he really was looking at me? in her mind, she asked.



If you could just have the guts to speak out


This retreat camp is so boring, he scuffed his legs on his sleeping bag as he laid on it. His two other fellas inside the tent were violently snoring. Can you just stop, his mind seemingly yelled at the two 'snorlaxes' as he used his pillow to cover his ears. He had been twisting and turning for a couple of minutes already and he couldn't quite put himself to sleep. He sat up and scratched his head. He decided to get out of their tent. He thought he just needed some cold midnight air to relax him. But sometimes, things turn out better than expected, right?

He unzipped the tent and crawled his way out. He laid on his stomach on the mat-covered grass, his chin resting on his folded elbows. He thought it was better sleeping outside in the cold night, and he almost fell into sleep.

"Mind if I sit here?" a deep feminine voice suddenly spoke; his eyes that were about to shut down instantly opened up and he completely got awakened. It can't be her, his mind tried opposing the thought that it was actually her talking to him. He slowly looked up to his left and saw her standing in her pajamas. His heart was beating so loud, he could feel it through his chest. He silently nodded to respond to her, feeling a bit uneasy yet animated at the same time. She sat beside his lying body on the mat, hugging her knees to her chest. His body looked completely relaxed, but inside him was like a lot of fireworks exploding because of that sudden rush of blood and rapid heartbeat, all happening because of her presence. He was nervous, tensed, but excited. He just didn't know how to start a casual conversation with her, but he really wanted to take the wonderful chance.

"Whu--wh-why aren't you sleeping yet?" he stuttered, not thinking of anything better to say.
"I'm just not used to sleeping this early," she answered calmly, "You?"
"Oh.. My friends snore too loud, it's not fair," he answered simply, his voice still shuddering a bit. She chuckled. His pale cheeks changed their color into a bright red, he was just thankful that it was late at night already and his flushing-red cheeks wouldn't be too obvious. He couldn't look at her, though he wanted to. Suddenly, she began moving closer and actually changed position; from sitting, she joined him on the mat as she lied on her stomach too. Something caught her attention and she could not, not talk about it.

"That's cool," she referred to his glow-in-the-dark band wrapped around his right wrist. She moved closer to touch his wristband. Their arms smoothly clashed against each other and her fingers inadvertently caressed his skin as she played with his wristband. He felt a blazing sensation as her fingers carelessly mooched around his wrist. She was so entertained with the wristband.

"You wanna have it?" he abruptly asked, not looking at her.
"Is that okay?" she questioned, astonished by his sweet offer, her eyes beaming at him.
"Yeah," he simply said and took off the band giving it to her. She handled it in the cutest way he had ever seen, he was enjoying it.
"Thanks a bunch, I'll forever keep this," she smiled widely. This made him feel more eager and his heart seemed to beat the loudest that time. Her words heartened him. He smiled. She was busy playing with the wristband, now was the chance for him to finally look at her. He watched her amuse herself with the new wristband she just got. He carefully examined her features; her almond eyes, coral lips, and well-defined cheeks which he thought would all look so much better in daytime, but the moonlight shone perfectly and gave her face a nice glow.

He couldn't have been any happier. He was totally enjoying that chance to be with her. He just wasn't that type of guy who had the guts to talk to his crush without feeling uneasy. He was very timid and quiet, he barely talked but his short answers always made her giggle heartily. He was happy he could atleast make her laugh. It made him know that atleast he wasn't boring her. She's keeping my wristband, his heart was bursting in joy as thoughts played in his mind.

He didn't want that night to ever end. But if ending that night would mean another timid day for him which could possibly lead into something he wouldn't have expected, then he'd want to experience more.


Timid and Bashful. It's always cute and mysterious.

Once It's All Over, You'll See

All I know is that I can't wait any longer to see my folks again; and I'm talking about Skwaters Faction. At the end of the month, Skwaters will be celebrating Mimi's 18th birthday. It will surely be another explosive day for everyone else in the group.

Time's currently 9:02am. I've just arrived at school, now staying inside the library, which I often shorten the name and call it 'libe' instead. I have taken a seriously long walk, just enough for my glands to produce some hot sweat. Oh how I hate being naturally sweaty. That's why I'm more than overjoyed to be entering a well-air-conditioned place like the libe. It's very relaxing. I love air-conditioners forevermore. What a heavenly sensation. To be honest, one reason why I'd love to leave the Philippines for a while some day is that it's a tropical country and the hot weather here doesn't get along with me all the time.

Anyways, I'm being so random right now. I'm actually just waiting till my first class starts. This week is what we call the "exams results" week, which makes my world spin like the Ferris wheel. The results could either satisfy me or drive me nuts. I honestly hate being inside this campus. HAHAHA

I'd rather be home and watch all the WWE pay-per views I have on my PC or on DVD/VCD or be with Skwaters and have some criminal fun. They are some factors that greatly help me define what my life really is. Can't wait to get the fudge outta here, folks.

To console myself, I just keep it in mind that there's only like 2 more years left before I could finally flee this place. Besides, I'm studying only for my future, this place serves me no other purpose but to be my training ground. Once it's all done, this place becomes a memory that I don't think I'd love to reminisce.

Why Remorse is Always at the End, I Still Can't Figure Out

Ofcourse, to say "sorry" is all you can do. But bear in mind that that "sorry" won't do any better no more. It will mend nothing, it will heal no wounds. The damage has been done. The scar is there, it never gets erased. Times's been wasted, you committed another mistake. Now all you feel is regret. You're full of remorse. All you have is your sorry butt, questioning the whole Earth why it had to end like this. Most importantly, why remorse always awaits you right at the end of yet another moment of guilt and misery. It is completely demoralizing.

Just Wanted to Unwind

Well, since Midterm Exams Week is finally over I guess I deserve a nice way to unwind. I went to the mall after class and bought some stuffs for myself. Like I rewarded myself for all the efforts I've exerted in stressing my brain out reviewing the whole previous week. lol

And it's been really a long time since I made a post here too. I thought I should touch blogspot soon so I just had to write something new tonight. :)

Ain't No Confirmation's Gonna Happen If Only You'll Keep Your Mouth Shut

Once it's been uttered, that's when it's confirmed. Now I don't wonder why it's real hard to just drop the words. Solution to this small-but-terrible problem? NEVER UTTER THE UNCERTAIN WORDS. Yes, they are uncertain. But once these words are dropped, somehow they just get certain and they become little stuffs that force your own actions, making you believe that "what you have just said seemed to be... true", even if you have included the word "maybe" to your statement. Doesn't matter. Point is, utter the words, and you're officially confirming it. So yeah. Never utter any uncertain word. Control your tongue. Guard those lips. Manipulate that questioning and inquisitive mind. Learn how to handle curiosity well. Again, control your tongue and guard your lips. Never let those undecided thoughts dictate you. Never let those words escape your lips, most especially when these words are in doubt, because as I've said.. They may be uncertain but when you officially pronounce them, like when you actually drop the words.. they become real, they convince you that that's what or how you really feel or that's what you should really think of this and that. Unsure words.. They're all only uncertain when they're all contained in the mind. But once been uttered and released, it's gonna turn out completely-differently. Something will happen, and it will only seem like you allowed it to happen because you actually said it.



Because when you come right down to it, uttering the words will actually make you CONFIRM those doubtful thoughts. It's scary, trust me. Be careful. Be very...CAREFUL.

Here We Go Again, Folks

What's up, folks? Tell you what, I'm tired, drained, and just sapped like wtfudge. It's no joke no more. I think the "heavy days" of college have just started screwing me again, lol. The most draining part of this day I'd say was the time I was on my way home. Could you imagine, I spent one and a half hour WAITING in the terminal!!! Can you believe that, folks? It's totally insane. I couldn't even figure out how I managed to survive. Like where did that "tolerance" come from? Oh well.. The best answer to that is that God truly never leaves me. But yeah. Like I said.. it's happening again. "They're" here again - I mean, those "demanding" days are back. Here we go again, folks.


Got that right, maybe I'm currently like a helpless puppy who just plops down on any comfy couch or somethin'.

Who the fudge is CAT-BABY?!

2 days ago, I changed my name on Facebook from "Anne Janica Catabay" to "Anne Janica Cat-Baby". As you folks can notice, the change wasn't too drastic actually. I only changed my surname. In fact, if you're not even sharp-eyed enough, I bet you won't even notice the "slight change" I did. It is because the names "CATABAY" and "CATBABY" really look alike. They have a huge resemblance, truly. The only thing about it is that a few letters are jumbled and rearranged. But as I said.. it's not too noticeable. I changed it, and the day I did, no one even seemed to become aware of that change. But the day after that when I went to school, certain people started greeting me with "HI CAT-BABY!" That moment I thought to myself, "Wow, they noticed" 'cause I could tell it from the way they greeted me. And today, people who identified me as "Cat-Baby" seemed to multiply. There were not too many of 'em, but there were a couple, I would say. I smiled at the "cute episode". I just thought it was an adorable thing going on. What's even funnier is that I kinda really "feel it" that it's my new moniker or somethin'. Like when I hear someone shouting it, I'd unhesitatingly turn around to respond to the energetic greeting.

WHY CAT-BABY?
Ofcourse, among the people who noticed the "cute change", the random curiousness of their minds also came along. Why CAT-BABY? Where did CAT-BABY come from? Who called you CAT-BABY? Are you a kitten?



I actually got the name from an online friend in Malaysia, named Nikki. :) Ya see, a couple of years back when I was still a Friendster-freak (as well as the other fellas were at the time), there were these different groups and fan pages and all those stuffies. And I was included in this group exclusive for WWE (wrestling) fans. And that was where I met her actually. Back then (up until now actually), I was super fond of making friends ONLINE. I wanted to talk to new people online and become friends with some of them, but I do make sure it's safe and I'd get no harm from these people. So yeah. This Malaysian girl originally named "Jueneke Wong" became my online pal, and we'd talk through YM very often, she'd even call me from Malaysia on my fudgin' cellphone ;") The first time we chatted, we kinda had small difficulties reading each other's names. I asked her how was her first name being pronounced.. And as far as I can remember it's pronounced as "YU-NAI-KEE". If I'm wrong, then you're the best and I'm the loser. But she did tell me that I could simply call her "Nikki". Then it was her turn to read my name. My full name was readable just right. But then Nikki told me that on first look, she actually misread my surname as "CATBABY" =)) Since then, she has called me "Cat-baby". We'd chat online, talk wrestlin', she'd call me on the phone and sometimes she'd even let me hear her piano pieces~ ;") I enjoyed everything.

But ya know what folks, change is just constant. And as time passed, we rarely talked, we spent less time talking, not because we wanted to keep it that way but it's just too hard to "cooperate" with your hectic and demanding schedule. I have never talked to her again like we did during those times. Friendster spirit had died, and I hadn't really got the chance to chat with her again. But 2 days ago, I remembered "Cat-Baby" and recalled who originally coined that name: Nikki. It all came from Nikki. I remembered her and it got me thinking: "What's up with this girl?" So tonight, I searched her up on Facebook and found her. I sent her a friend request, and it's now pending. I hope she'll accept it in no time and we'll be able to chat again soon enough. After about 4 years, maybe it's about time that we keep in touch again. :D



One thing I'll admit, I'm no cat-lover. I never was. I've never been. I just.. don't like them at all. I don't know exactly why, but I think that the fact that I'm a huge dog-lover is one factor..but I ain't sure. But I have never really gotten a liking into cats. I've never really shown interest with those creatures. On a lighter note, I do admit that "Cat-Baby" sounds so adorable. I find it just even more adorable that it has a misreading thing with my surname. I actually think that's why others were amused by it too..'cause it's like, when you read it attached to my name you'll go like "Oh yeah that's sort of... 'APPROPRIATE'" It's a cute thing. ;")

Unexpected Episodes

Sometimes, things just turn out better than expected.

Supposedly, it was gonna be an advanced birthday celebration in an ordinary way, "a plain day" it was gonna be, I thought. I'm actually turning 17 on the 28th, which falls on a Tuesday, a weekday, a schoolday, definitely a BUSY day. It made me decide to celebrate it in advance so that I'd be able to be with none other than my folks, my bestbuds, Skwaters..because I wanted to. I wanted to celebrate my day with 'em. I tried planning everything yesterday with them by talkin' to them on the phone, but yesterday was such a complicated day and certain factors cut in on our plans. There was just so much trouble hindering my plans yesterday, so much trouble that I started feeling hopeless...so much trouble, we ended up deciding that it's only gonna be Mimi and I, only the two of us at some mall, while the other two, Joyce and Tsebb (Jeorge) were left in the "bahala na" condition...they told me they weren't really sure if they could catch up. Not positive at all.

Earlier this day, I received two devastating messages from the other two: Jeorge almost saying that he might not make it, while Joyce already confirmed it that there was no way she'd be able to come...from that moment I knew I had to accept that obviously, it was only gonna be Michelle and myself celebrating my special day in advance. It's all good with Mimi alone, but ya know it's better to be complete.

But sometimes your folks are just too clever and they outsmart you; you won't even be able to smell that there's somethin' fishy going on.. You know they succeed when you fail to see that they're preparing a surprise.. ;")

Around 2pm I stayed outside our gate waiting for Mimi and Tita Miles (her mom) to come. It was not any longer that I could already see their car from afar, and when they drew near I was amazed to see Mimi ALREADY DRIVING! Like yay dawg, as a friend that truly made me proud. Hehe. I got in and we got going. On the road Tita Miles asked to stop by a convenience store located just outside our subdivision. She got out of the car and went inside Finds. With Mimi and I only in the car, I could only remember myself repeatedly praising her for being able to drive already..I was like "YOU'RE ALREADY DRIVING NOTHIN'S COOLER THAN THAT DAWG" and if it was YouTube, replay button was sort of raped lol. And I dove my hands in my bag fixing some of my stuffs, ofcourse my head was down and wasn't aware of what was going on around outside the car..I had to organize my things, the slight mess in my bag kept me concentrated on it and I almost didn't notice two familiar figures approaching the cardoor beside me, both of 'em holdin' up two 'improvised-head-posters' of my two favorite local male celeb's in their faces. @_@ Coco Martin and Jhong Hilario's faces kinda popped out of nowhere, but the real people behind those head-posters seemed...inexplicable? I guess?

Then they opened the door, which honestly scared me a bit and the one holding up Coco's face started singing somethin' like a "mantra" of some sort of I don't know, he just went with his intro "Wow Ulam Sa Sarap, Wow Ulam Sa Sarap" repeatedly in an undefinable tune and he wouldn't seem to stop. (That was like the tagline of Coco Martin's TV commercial of Wow Ulam)

My reaction? WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS? WHAT THE FUDGE IS GOING ON HERE?! What the?!

I just stared at the two folks very awkwardly for a bit long, like long seconds, really! And I could've sworn that it was the weirdest and most remarkable stare of puzzlement I've ever had in my whole entire life. I was so perplexed, I was thinking, "I got screwed today didn't I?" ;") It was weird and wonderful, I would say. Not too shortly the awkwardness and puzzlement were gone, little by little I was understanding what was going on, and slowly, everything started registering in my mind before I finally dropped my incredible reaction.

Jeorge and Joyce. They're here! We're complete! Oh how could they~..!! =))

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHH" was all I could shout, and they were all like LOL'ing and Tita Miles even videotaped the whole thing. All I could tell them was how they were so fantastic that they did this to me, lol. I was like "screw you guys" but I was thanking them so much, but I was just too overwhelmed. ;") For the next couple of minutes being on the road I was still in a state of shock, the surprise they gave me was really killing me and I'd keep on trying to figure out how I failed to see all of this coming, and analyze what was that exact thing I really felt right when the two showed up. HAHAHAHA THERE WERE SO MUCH THINGS IN MY MIND.

The next hours after that overwhelming incident? NOTHIN' ELSE BUT PURE FUN WITH THE FOLKS. World Rider with the 4D glasses, videoke, window-shopping, the never-ending story-telling which we all missed the most together with the great share of laughter, choo-choo-train as if we got back to being little kids... I COULD ONLY BE MORE THAN GRATEFUL TO THE LORD. And I later found out that Debby all the way from Canada had also prepared a surprise for me through a "surprise birthday greeting YouTube video"!!! I love her forever. But the most wonderful part of the day was the dinner, I'd say. We ate at this restaurant called The Old Spaghetti House, and it was Tita Miles' treat by the way. Hehe. The sweetest part was when we ordered the dessert. It was a slice of blueberry cheesecake, and they had asked the waiters/waitresses to have a candle on it for me to blow and to have them sing me a happy birthday ;") And the fact that we were like the only people in that resto was a factor too. It was excellent, I was so delighted.


The improvised-head-posters of the hot and awesome Coco Martin and Jhong Hilario


A can of Wow Ulam which was given to me by Tsebb lol



Gorgeous Mimi's gift to me ;")


The candle that Old Spag-House gave me.. It's the cutest one I ever saw and I'm forever keepin' it :)


Today was something that could only be described as "bliss". I'm pleased than ever, I'm grateful forever to the Lord, I thank my folks for a wonderfully surprising day, and for the pure fun they shared with me. They made me feel complete again today, I'm just so happy. It is weird, but it's just too wonderful of a feeling. :)

Always Keep 'em Safe

My Undying Prayer...


Dear God, Almighty. Goodevening. First of all, I thank You for another day You have lent me today. Thank You for the strength and knowledge You have given me and for letting me know how to use them properly. Thank You, Lord for the provision, guidance, and love. ;") I am sorry for everything I've done wrong; may You forgive me and wash away all the filthy elements of my heart. May You take care of my family, always.

Now that almost everyone has started schooling again, I know very well that all the other fellas from the Faction have their own businesses again; we have separated paths again. Lord, please guide them all.

For our "Ate", Debbs.. She's the farthest one from all of us and I pray that You always make her realize that aside from her immediate family, we, Skwaters, really really love her so much, and that You love her just as much too. ;) The moment she flew to Canada all of us have already known then that DISTANCE is an obstacle we're facing. She is a very strong girl, but we know You'll even make her stronger; and when things around her over there get a bit complicated, make her realize that there are just some basic things she needs to do, and that is to pray to You, and to reach out to US, SKWATERS. Because the formula "God + Skwaters" will be her most recommended medicine throughout her journey. ;")

For Mimi, the carefree, and easygoing girl of the group.. She's just been recently harrassed by their professor, no no. Not like the prof.violated her, but she just got a bit much tortured by all the quizzes, seatworks, and homeworks given to their class. Lord, kindly take away all the stress she's going through and replenish her energy each time. And also, I pray that You watch over Mimi especially when she can't control herself sometimes. When she's in a new environment (new classroom for example) and she sees a bunch of cute and hot guys, guard her eyes and control her tongue carefully so that she won't even bother ambushing the boys that she's attracted to. Hehe ;") Make her an even much more obedient daughter and make her love her awesome mother even more. ;") She's already tough, mold her even better and always prepare her for daily challenges.ü

For Joyce, the middle-child of the group, the brainiest one, and the "guidance counselor" of Skwaters (lol)..May You tell her to stay that way, and never change. If she shall change then she shall change only for the better ;") She's a dorm-girl, and please give her patience when she nearly loses it to her annoying dormmates at times. Give her more brains, and lend her more creativity that she will use for whatever craft it is that she's trying to develop. Make her stand-out in their class often..hehe! ;") I pray that she stays a good daughter and sister in her family. She is a very hard-working (i think all of us are) and persistent person. Keep her strong until that time comes when all her efforts pay off. Lastly, please take good care of Nakajima Yuto for the sake of Joyce's anxiety and uneasiness. Hehe.

Last but not the least, dear God, always be with my bestfriend, my bestbud, Tsebb. I think among all the other folks, he has the most hectic and demanding college schedule. So I hope that You will keep him strong, patient, tolerant, understanding, and uncomplaining with all the difficulties he encounters. In school, always give him enough strength and knowledge that he may be able to do each activity, get high grades, and on his way home please keep him from the forces of evil that lurk just about everywhere. When he finally gets home, give him the needs to fulfill his duties and responsibilities as a good son in the family. And when things in his home sometimes go wrong, may the goodness in his heart still prevail that he may just try to understand his parents or brothers instead of complaining about them. And I also pray that You give him an ever-enduring strength and love that will be enough to maintain a good and healthy relationship with the love of his life ;) They're situation being a long-distance relationship is one big of a deal, so if they face problems dear Lord, please make Jeorge more patient and tell him that he is NOT, he was NOT, and he NEVER will be a quitter. Make him realize about all the beautiful plans You have for him ;)

And Lord, to sum up everything I've prayed...I just wanted and needed You to always keep 'em safe, and never let anything harm my most awesome folks. Now that we'll be away from one another again, we are sure gonna be rarely seeing one another and it's gonna be a little hard for us to take some short time and check out what's going on with the other... So please, keep the folks safe. And may they always entrust everything they do to You. Thank You, Lord.

In Jesus' Name I Pray, Amen.

Like Half of Me Just Died...

No more dramatically-mystifying intro's or whatever, straight to the point. I'm sad, mad, in pain, tearful, cryin' my eyes and heart out all because my precious computer got infected by a virus, and the most regretful part of it is that ALL OF THE FILES HAVE BEEN DELETED. *snaps* just like that. ;"(



Since yesterday, my computer was actin' up. It perplexed me, but I didn't have a clue that yesterday was possibly the last day I'd be able to see ALL, as in ALL OF MY FILES...MY PRECIOUS FILES T.T I didn't even think it was some kind of virus infecting it. I just thought that, you know what i mean folks? Like maybe, my PC yesterday was just being kinda "human" and that it was just under the weather, that it would soon be back to its normal state if I gave it some rest perhaps?? I told my dad about my pc "acting up", and he decided to buy a new memory for it and we did. When we got home today from the mall, we immediately worked on it..fixed it. We opened the CPU and fixed everything inside it that should be fixed. We set it back up and tried to see if it'd boot properly, but it didn't. We had done it a couple of times, and yeah...same results. It ain't gettin' any better. He suggested I sorta renew its operating system, and even reminded me that there's nothin' I should worry about the files 'cause they'd be retrieved, he said; 'cause later on before he would install a new OS in it he backed the files up, yes..like he made back-up for all the files and would store them back after the OS is done installing. After all, I didn't really worry much about the PC itself, but the files I had in it. All I wanted was.. to save my files...my precious files... *tear rolls down my cheek*

Then, OS was renewed. Wow.. new theme, new whatever. The new "whatever" looks cool and happy, I should be happy about that. My computer looks fresh like it just had a makeover or somethin'! But...wait, uhm...my files? By this time we had stored it back here already..we knew we just did...or so we thought. We went on to check my computer's drive...

AND THE MOMENT I HAVE DREADED THE MOST JUST HAPPENED. My files were like... gone with the wind. T__T

WHAT THE FUDGE?! How come? How in the world did this..?!!! What the fudge is going on?! The thing is, we didn't know that during the time that we backed the old drive up, the files were already eaten by the virus!!! We didn't know they were already gone when we made a back up for 'em!!! T__T That's when I and he realized that maybe the renewing of OS had absolutely nothin' to do with the disappearance of all my files, maybe it's exactly what the virus did. Curse that virus. I am.... the loneliest ;"(

MY FILES!!! MY FILES!!! MY DARN FILES FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!!! I have been taking care of all those precious files!!! The old photos, the videos, everything!!! I've spent my life saving memories, and immortalizing those special moments through saving them all in my computer!!! And this day, this day it took all of them away from me?! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! All those photos, especially the videos, most especially the videos I made with my bestfriends, Skwaters Faction!!! THEY'RE MY STRONGEST MOTIVATION IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE! I had never imagined a day not being able to access these most important files! THIS HAS BEEN A NIGHTMARE I NEVER IMAGINED. Some of you might say I'm exaggerated or somethin', but yeah you could say that I think? But no! You guys just don't understand. These files... they're just... they're not just plain files ya know?! They're so much more than that, they had that value and I just truly cherished and took care of them! I've always said that I've almost put half of my life in my computer! And now I just can't believe that I won't be able to see every single one of them no more. I can't believe that there will never be any possibility for me to save my files.. 'cause they're gone, and my father could repeatedly tell me "GANIYAN TALAGA ANG COMPUTER, ANAK." Can't believe this, I truly don't.

Like half of me just died...like, if you deleted these files, it would be the same as you piercing through my heart. ;( I'm almost inconsolable.

Did anyone see the rainwater drippin' from our ceiling?

When I tweeted this, I was probably at that state where I was still dealing with panic, where I was quite frantic because I actually thought "chaos just arrived on the scene". Right after I tweeted that, all I wanted was to get rid of the sudden tension that I just encountered tonight. Thank goodness it's all done. I'm finally refreshed, and my mind is relaxed.

But boy, it happened just a few minutes ago, it's still registered in my mind. It's quite a chaos, but not too drastic, like you know what I mean folks?

Like what I tweeted, it's a cold and rainy night. Ofcourse, there's no reason for me not to be overjoyed; I wonder how many times I've already said it in this blogpage that I truly love RAIN, and I just really have that unfathomable fondness for rain. Yes, I did say that here. A couple of times already, in fact. (Just go check out my other previous blogs, see what I mean LOL)...

I turned my computer on, and my younger bro raced upstairs and then into my room, panicking! He asked me if I knew where exactly our huge pails and rags were stored, and upon hearing his question I think I already figured what was going on downstairs. We ran downstairs and into the living and dining area...and I think HALF of the whole flooring was actually freakin' wet! Now there's gotta be a hole or crack that rainwater could pass through...so where's it comin' from... I could hardly think 'cause I was being given a nerve-racking situation already, I mean just by seeing almost the entire floor being wet, I was already unnerved! Then I saw water drippin' right from the ceiling, onto the floortiles.. IT'S A LEAK! A FREAKIN' LEAK DUDE NOW C'MON! I immediately ran for the rags and started swabbing our floor, but it was a bit hard and I figured a floor mop would do better. My mother had also become aware and went downstairs and helped us, and we had to wake our helper too so she could help us fix everything. My father was busy preparing to go to work, and when he was done my bro and I had to take care of his leaving --you know, like we have to open the gate while he drives the car and close it when he's already gone and then we'll lock up the house and all that stuff. And yeah, it was raining hard..but here's like the catch: our garage didn't have a roof to shelter it from a bad hot or cold weather. Great. Just great. We have to go outside and open the freakin' gate...AND THE STORM IS FREAKIN' RAGING OUTSIDE! We went outside with umbrellas, which we had to have a real tight grip on 'cause the wind was blowing too strong and was blowing them away from our hands, almost! We opened the gate, and ofcourse it ain't like we'd close it immediately right after we opened it. We had to wait a little 'till my father goes away already right? So we stood there a couple more minutes and waited till father drove away. And to tell you folks the truth, the umbrellas almost served no purpose because even though we used it to shield us, rain still got us entirely wet! It's no use. I went back inside to get the padlock for our gate, and left my umbrella outside..and I wasn't aware that I left it open. Once we locked everything up, mom told us to get back inside with the umbrellas. But when I looked for the umbrella, I couldn't freakin' find it. What the fudge? I just left it here! Then I started to think that I could've probably left it open and the strong wind blew it away. Panicking, I started looking for it and spotted it over there!!! Right at the end of our garage, close to our gate! I ran and grabbed it, tried to hurriedly get inside. I was running, about to enter the house, but my bro failed to hold the door open for me because of the extremely strong wind, and just as I was on the doorstep the freakin' door powerfully shut, crushing my left hand, having my fingers pinched in the freakin' door!!! Aww!!!

INSIDE THE HOUSE. A lot secured, but I was fully wet with rainwater. And I mean, SOAKING WET. I took a towel and wrapped it around me, drying myself up. I looked at my freshly-wounded hand, the door had peeled off a very small portion of skin from my forefinger, and it was profusely bleeding. It truly isn't a huge wound, it's just really really really a tiny one but the pain is quite terrible I would say. *Sigh* They had already taken care of the leak, placing a few pails and rags on the "most-dropped-on-spots". Thank goodness. And I knew at that point that all I wanted and needed was a quick hot shower, to revitalize myself.

It was like a small chaos. But oddly, I still love rain for it. I think it's still quite a lot of fun..despite the slight carnage I went through tonight. Haha! ;")

Endangered

Now I wanna know why it's so hard to find friends who are as true, as faithful, as loyal, and as loving as these folks. A solid group like this is just very rare on Earth. Skwaters Faction has that "bond" that's just indestructible. Our love for each other is truly eternal.

Born With An Ever-Fluffy Heart

No more time to be spent wondering why I can't easily get mad on certain people..no more time to be spent wondering how I'm always able to hold back whatever element it is that will cause anger inside me. One of those questions too was how I could always find a way to understand other people while some couldn't stand it any longer. They hurt me, often times unintentionally, they don't know, they've got no idea at all that they're wounding my heart sometimes, and I just keep it to myself. Like I don't have the guts to tell them that I sometimes feel offended about what they do. I always think twice, and I'll later realize that maybe it's just like this and like that; I always come to analyze situations and eventually understand that maybe there is probably a reason behind every wrongdoing that a human does...so, I just keep understanding them. They might have not asked for it yet, but I already have forgiven them. That's crazy. In the end, it's still my love for the most important people in my life that prevails, it's a good thing I know and I don't regret that ofcourse. But you know what I mean? Like sometimes I just wish I could also have the courage, and enough guts to kind of..react against these recurrent situations that drive me real hard. But no, it's always the tenderness inside me that gives me that urge to stay soft. I could look tough on the outside, but there's just so much tenderness inside me.

Guess I was just born with a real fluffy, orange heart. Ain't that sweet?

What Traumatized An Orange Heart - HOMEPAGE

The story behind a girl's fear or what could possibly be called "phobia" towards loving. Find out why she becomes overprotective of her tender heart now.




Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

What Traumatized An Orange Heart - Chapter 7

This chapter is probably the toughest one for me to do. It's just really hard but, I'll just keep in mind that I'm releasing. This is my way of releasing. This story should be ended right quick.

"Hurry up Brian!" I woke up to the voice of Brian's mom. I could hardly open my eyes, but I was sure that I did see it was like past eleven in the morning already, as what the alarm clock was tellin' me. I rubbed my eyes and sat up. I saw Brian who just got up. He was very sleepy but he couldn't oversleep because of his mom. After he used the bathroom, he slowly walked and lazily opened the door and went down.

"Briaaaan!!!" We heard her once more.

"Comin'...." Brian dozily responded.

I wonder what could be happening downstairs. I wanted to get back to sleep, but I just couldn't. It's like my 'momentum to sleep' had already been broken by Brian's mom's voice...HAHA. I decided to follow them downstairs and go check out what was going on there.

That day, I was feeling... just normal at all, and somehow elated because of Brian's presence. I was happy and didn't expect anything appalling would take place. GOOD VIBES. All I knew was that it was just another awesome and sweet day to be spent with my 'darling'...

I got out of the bathroom and went towards the door. As I was approaching the staircase, it was silent at all. Then I thought I just heard like a bowl or plate or somethin' being placed on the glass table.

"That looks yummy!" I heard Brian's mom exclaim. They must be in the kitchen. I slowly walked downstairs and immediately turned left, which led the direction to their kitchen.

"I can't help but say it really looks yummy!" She exclaimed once more. I love how Brian's mom could be so easily amazed. She's super cute. Maybe she bought something again from our favorite bake shop.

"Thank you, I worked hard to perfect it!" ----I heard a strange, high-pitched voice. HUH?! Since when did Brian sound so girlish? That was strange. I got curious. I continued walking slowly till I got closer. It only had a doorframe that would lead to their kitchen, and I just cluelessly stood there...and didn't believe what I saw.

What's this? Oh Brian's mom is slicing somethin...is that a cake?

Brian's right in front of me, but his back is turned. But wait...whose arms are those wrappin' around his waist? They look so feminine, and the hands look nice. Wait.. IS THAT A GIRL HUGGING BRIAN?

Who's that? Holy cow she kissed him! Brian is just standing still? But who's the girl?!!! I can hardly see her because Brian's blocking the view. But, the figure..her figure! That's just.. familiar. She goes to help his mom with the cake. FUDGE. I think I know.

IT'S HER. She's had her hair cut too short.

I remained silent till Brian's mom recognized my presence.

"Oh hi there, Ash! C'mon and grab a bite of this delish angel food cake!" She happily greeted. I saw the other look up from her slicing, and she looked at me. Brian was... I didn't know. He just stood still. I didn't react.

"By the way, this is Amanda.. Amanda, that's Ashley, my lovely niece." She introduced the both of us to each other.

"Yeah we already know each other, right girl?" Amanda responded. OH DEAR GROUND, PLEASE EAT ME NOW.

"Ye--yeah...." I forced a smile. Brian was still motionless. What's he feeling? Everything started to make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. It was uneasy.

"Really? That's great. 'Cause every relative from our clan should really meet my son's girlfriend!" Brian's mom cheered and laughed heartily as she went back to slicing the cake.

Girlfriend. So that's it? Right. They got back together. So much crap, I would say. Why had you lied, Brian?

Brian gradually turned to face me. Did he hear me question him? Fudge. He looked extremely anxious, thought he practically paled out.

You're making things even harder. I think the pain had just started getting into me.

His face had the uneasy look on it. I could've sworn he felt shamefaced and guilty about what I knew he did. I knew Brian wanted to say something, but I ignored it. Don't explain, Brian. Just don't. I can't bear to see that look on your face, and that girl. I sure won't bear to even hear you say something about it. Stop it right there. I already heard everything. Now I know.

WITHOUT A WORD, I LEFT. Without hearing out Brian, without questioning and saying anything to him... I LEFT.

I ran fast, speeding down the streets and didn't realize that the dark and thick clouds had eaten the blue skies. I wasn't aware about the weather, and in no time, the rain had poured heavily. I didn't care though. Little by little, I felt tired from all the running and my fast pace turned slow...I was walking in the rain now. Without an umbrella, without a raincoat, without any waterproof gear...I just walked in the rain. I didn't need the gears, I needed rain to join me in my unhappiness. I stopped by a huge oak tree and sat under it, hugging my knees to my chest, still wet with the cold yet sympathizing rain. Then pain was really swallowing me at this point. I was crying so hard. My tears mixed with the rainwater.

You lied, Brian. It wasn't after all the only thing that hurt me. But the fact that he was with another girl, especially that it was Amanda, just truly doubled up the pain.

At that point, I just begged the rain to wash all the pain away. The pain felt like it was cutting me in two.

Thoughts came in..they made me writhe in pain.

Everytime I think of Brian, I realize the truth about a miracle that can never happen. I love him, but it just isn't right.

This pain is something I would carry maybe all the days of my life. It has brought me fear to open my heart up again to someone. I still look forward to the day that I'll get through it though. But for now, I'm just traumatized. I'm tremendously afraid.

There are some stories in the world better off not having a happy ending...I guess this is one of them.


PREVIOUS

What Traumatized An Orange Heart - Chapter 6

"I can't believe you still have this!" I exclaimed referring to the photo of us when we were little kids. The photo was taken when I was 4 and he was 8, we were at the beach with the whole clan. I was in my Hello Kitty bathing suit, toothlessly smiling while Brian had his mouth open like he was gonna bite me and secretly did a peace sign making 2 horns on my head. Very adorable. We were rummaging his cabinet and into his boxes filled with old stuff.

"Ofcourse! It's an oldie-but-goodie stuff." He smiled. I continued diggin' up the box on the ground as I lay flat on my stomach on the bed. Brian just indian-sat beside me on the bed and watched me. I just searched and searched for stuffs, and I'd laugh each time I picked somethin' that reminded me of a really funny memory. I picked a lot, including his and Seth's friendship beanie, the first ever robot toy I gave him as a birthday gift *grinning*, a stuffed bear, a wallet, bunch of bling-bling accessories he used before, and more. I continued unearthing the box of old stuff 'til my hands had a grab of this small notebook. I stared blankly at it, trying to remember what was exactly that object. Then I felt like a light bulb flashed in my head and suddenly remembered what it was: It was the "promising notebook". Brian and I called it "promising" just because there's none other than what seemed like a thousand promises written in it. HAHA! I grinned wide. We made it I think about just a year ago. I listed promises that I'd forever keep, for him and for myself, and he listed promises that he'd forever keep, for me and for himself. These are those promises that we better not break. WE BETTER NOT, REALLY.

Grinning at it in my hands, Brian out of the blue, spoke.

"Wow, I didn't know it was in there."

"I'm glad it's still here." I replied and opened the notebook.

"I almost kinda forgot about it till you found it tonight." He chuckled.

"Wow.. we have listed a bunch. They're.. they're uncountable!" I said as I browsed the pages.

"Yep, they're limitless. Let's see.." Brian crawled beside me and we examined the "promising notebook" together.

We tested each other. We tried to see which promise listed there was broken, and how many promises were still kept. Minutes passed and we were still doing the same thing. It turned out that neither of us had broken any. But there was just a bunch of things listed there for us to be so sure that no promise was actually broken. We kept testing. It was fun.

"Hold on! There's still a whole lot more of promises! Let's check out more!!!!" I exclaimed as I slid my forefinger down each page we browsed, finding a cool thing we listed there. "Here here!!!" I thought I just found a nice one.

Brian looked closer at the notebook and tried to read what it was.

"Promise #143 by Brian: I will never ever fall for the same trick, I will never fall for Amanda again."

This was, among all the promises, the most serious I guess..and one that I'd be extremely glad if Brian forever kept it, truly.

I laughed at it at first. Amanda was Brian's girl for almost a year, but she cheated on him and they broke up. She was his first love, I remember how badly hurt he was, and he bitterly wrote that promise last year. That girl... PSHH. Ain't nothin' but a fraudster! I was so glad they broke up, well you might think it's because I had special feelings for my cousin, and that I was just jealous, but no. Well partly, yeah but Amanda was just too bad..well, Brian was too good for her. Oh well, I was sure then that Brian had totally moved on. So sure, I didn't think he would even mind if I brought up the topic about her.

"Ahahaha would you look at this! I think this is the lamest, and the corniest one you ever wrote here!" I laughed.

Was it just me, or I really saw Brian grimace a bit when I said that?

What's happening to him? I ignored it, and faked a laugh.

"Hey!" I slapped his arm cheerfully. He looked at me in the weirdest way I ever knew, like he wanted to say something. I went nuts.

Fudge. Brian. Have you broken the promise? Don't you ever tell me you just did.

We were both silent. His serious look slowly turned into an amusing face and he broke out laughing. That relieved me a bit.

"You're crazy."

"I know." He said simply.

"So...?" I said quizically.

"So what?" He was confused. I laughed again. "What's so funny?" He just got even more confused.

"Nothing, I just thought you were actually gonna tell me that you broke the promise! Can you believe that?" I laughed hard burrying my face into bed and wiggling both of my feet. "Guess I just think too much, I'm madsick!!!" I continued laughing.

Again. Was it just me, or I kinda heard him sigh frustratingly? There was no other reaction heard from him. I looked back up at him. He was still lying flat on his stomach, both of his hands were closed against each other, with his fingers intertwined, his head bowed down. At that point, I really couldn't read him.

Has he been praying or somethin'? He looks really bothered, but despite that he totally looks adorable. Wish I could be courageous to ask.

"Yo Bri?!" I tapped him gently. He raised his head and looked at me, his eyes were just mysterious that night. They puzzled me, but I knew that if I asked him, he just wouldn't tell me anyway.

Then..he yawned. Okay. So maybe he's just really sleepy. That made me feel better, atleast it gave me hopes that nothin' wrong was going on. He was just sleepy...or so I thought.

"Alright, I'm keeping these. Let's sleep." I said. He just smiled and ruffled my hair. "Heeeyyy!!!" I exclaimed.

*~*~*~*

Before finally shutting our eyes, I wanted to make sure everything was fine.

"Brian?"

"Yeah?" He replied drowsily as he pulled the covers over to his body.

"You really okay?" I finally asked him.

"Yes." He said with a reassuring smile. "Why do you ask?"

"Just making sure!" I smiled back. "But Brian, please. Whenever you feel like you need to tell me something, please please please!!!! Please don't hesitate to tell me, don't make me insist you 'cause it's really hard to convince you!"

He laughed. I wasn't fine with his response.

"Promise me you will!" I insisted and shook him violently.

"I WILL I WILL!!!" He almost shouted. It was funny and cute. It convinced me.

"Ya sure you ain't hiding anything from me?" I cautiously asked him one last time. I wanted to be sure.

He face-palm'd himself and chuckled. "Come here anorexic girl." He opened his arms wide and invited me into a cuddle. I immediately crawled closer to him and wrapped my arm around him, my head resting on his chest. I'm so loving this.

"So what's the answer?" I insisted.

"I am not, and will never hide anythin' okay?" He reassured. I trusted him fully, and dropped the topic finally. I fell asleep in his arms.


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What Traumatized An Orange Heart - Chapter 5

Bedtime. This had got to be my favorite part of spending a whole day, and now a night with my 'darling'. I was sitting on Brian's bed. I just took a shower and I felt refreshed. A random movie was on TV. I couldn't concentrate on it though. Things were running in my head. I had no clue what kind of feeling that was, I knew it had already been quite normal for us to do these kinds of things together, like being in his crib and sleeping in one bed, it'd been normal since we'd done it a couple of times. It should feel normal by that time, but just by my fidgety and uneasy movements, I could tell it didn't feel normal at all, to me atleast. I thought I was quite anxious about it. I now realized that it was already awkward for me to be sharing bed with him already, since my feelings for him had gotten a bit much deeper than before. Everything I felt for Brian was turning into a mere romance, but even though it felt really awkward and that I was quite nervous, I had to say..the fact that we'd be sleeping in one bed again tonight excited me just as much.

My hair immediately dried after a few minutes of blow-drying it. I brushed it. The sappy movie was still on. As I was brushing my hair, the bathroom door flung open and Brian stepped out coolly. He only had a white towel wrapped around his waist and his hand had another towel rubbing his hair dry. Inside, I thought I just went nuts.

What is this? The way I see it now, is as if we're some newlywed celebrating their honeymoon! But dang, what the fudge am I even thinking?

"Ash?" He abruptly said, distracting my thoughts. "You okay? You look at me like I'm crazy." He laughed casually.

I felt tongue-tied. Fudge, why does everything have to feel awkward?!

"Ha-ha..no, you just scared me quite a bit." I said running my right hand to my chest, pretending that he actually scared me.

"Guess that's the effect of watching too much horror." He assumed.

"Yea-...yeah, I guess so!" I said uncertainly, smiling sheepishly.

"Right, now quit it..." he paused, "but you ain't watching somethin' scary anyway?" He declared pointing at the TV which had a pleasant scene: Vast field of green grass, blue skies, a couple chasing each other and all. It didn't look horrifying at all, it definitely wasn't a horror movie at all. Oops.

"Well, I am.."

"That's a romantic movie you're watching!" He laughed.

"No, ye--yess. I mean, I was watching a horror film earlier and it ended while you were in the shower you know, and this sappy love-story movie came in next." I LIED. I regretted the moment that I didn't pay attention to the movie a while ago! But I think I saved myself anyway.

"Oh...is that so.." He implied sarcasm in his tone.

"Yeah! And this is a boring movie, it ain't worth watching!" I looked away and quickly grabbed the remote control to change the channel.

He walked towards his dresser to dress up, his back turned on me. I pretended to watch the sports channel, then I secretly glanced at him. I forgot about the mirror in front of him and Brian caught me looking. Dang! He looked me in the mirror with that silly but lovely grin, and I looked away in embarassment.

"I think you're finding your cousin too hot tonight." He cockily said. Good thing my back was already turned on him this time, it was easier to control or hide my love-struck-reaction to his words.

"What?! KEEP DREAMING!" I tried hard to conceal the obviousness in my voice, and pretended to watch TV again.

But, if truth be told, you're just too gorgeous! I smiled in secret.

"Hahaha! Whatever, anorexic gal!" He laughed and jumped on me in the bed, ruffling my hair and tickling my most vulnerable spot.

I was asking him to stop, but I was enjoying it. Even though I knew it was nothin' more than a cousin-to-cousin or brotherly-sisterly fun to him, I just had to enjoy it. He was also enjoying it. The only difference was that my feelings were deeper...while for him, I was just always that anorexic cousin he had.

*~*~*~*~*~*


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